Since my husband and I got back together, we have been in a “cat and dog” situation. We fight most of the time and after a few hours or half a day, we will find ourselves amending with each other. Through all these fights, he has never harmed me physically. Our battle was always emotional. He always wins when it comes to emotional torture and battery. I always lose because I am not that good when it comes to fighting. I can talk fast but I couldn’t muster the right words to say.
Anyway, for almost a year and a half since we decided to get back together, we have been in the worst scenario of marital conflict but still I stood by him. Around April of 2008, I decided to have a break away from him. So when June came, my children and I went back to my parent’s house. I stayed there for almost four months when I realized that being away and not facing the problem was not the solution. Around October, I left my hometown and visited him back. Yes, we still have fights especially when I demanded love and affection or when jealousy hits. Most of the time, it was on me.
We have never fought with his drinking or other vices since I returned because he showed some changes. He never drank outside except when he is with his bosses. He kept his promise that he will try to change but will start from drinking only at home. I agreed to that especially since I have returned, I saw his commitment in playing the guitar at church. He said, he is weak but he wants to serve God with his talents. He said maybe if he pursues in serving God, he will be strong and someday stop his vices. After hearing all those hopeful words, that is when I decided that my children and I should go back with him and support him.
So around November 2008, I have relocated myself and our baby boy back with him. Of course, we have emotional fights every now and then but still I stood with him. I was hopeful as always but when January 2009 came, he started lying and drinking again. He went out saying he will drink two bottles at the store and return home. I have waited for him but he never came home as promised. He arrived around 7 am in the morning and the sad part was he lost the cell phone that I gave him as a gift from my blogging income. Take note, this was already the second cell phone that was lost because of his drinking.
The saddest part really is when he is drunk. I can put up with him not showing love and affection but when he is drunk, he talks abusively. I don’t know which is the real him, when he is drunk or sober. When he is drunk, he tells me hurtful and degrading things but when he is sober, he tells me hopeful words. Well, there are also times that when he is sober and we are having a fight, he talks harshly but when we are in good mood, he tells me good things. So, that is making me very confused!
Anyway, if I haven’t left him before when he was all drinking and vices, I think it would still be early to decide to leave him behind for good right now. After all, he has committed himself in the service to our Lord and just last Saturday, he has submitted himself to our local pastor for accountability with his decisions. That means he had allowed the pastor to reprimand and remind him of the bad decisions he has and the commitment he have promised to God. If I had hope before when he was not yet conscious with God, I guess I must have hope all the more right now since he is trying to commit himself to Him right?
Though I kept blogging about the pain and the remorse I have, I still find myself hopeful after a few hours of careful thinking. I have considered all the comments my friend has given and also what our pastor has advised but still, amidst the pain, I can still see hope especially now that I have seen small but major changes. Aside from that, I also have come to realize my faults too. I have clutched too much with the past that it also caused me to be unforgiving, jealous and judgmental at times. He made many mistakes and I did a few too. So, I might have not been fair with his feelings also.
Oh well, amidst of the economic recession and emotional turmoil, I can still see hope. Not in him but with God. I guess God is a just God. He will not put all our labors in vain. If I persist and hope, maybe the time will come that I will be able to see emotional, financial and spiritual breakthrough in our marriage. If I stop now, I might not able to see the rainbow after the rain. All I have right now is faith that God will see me through all these things.
I am sure all of you can understand this. God has allowed these things to happen and let’s just hope that He reveals His answer soon so that we may able to celebrate His goodness and love.