BITTER HONESTY

I am in a midst of emotional turmoil right now. And to be honest, I am having a hard time balancing my emotions and my logic.
I am a logical person. I always have an explanation when it comes to many things but lately, my heart has overcome my mind. Sometimes, I felt that I am becoming to unreasonable but my emotions always won the struggle and when it happens…I end-up hurting myself more.

The history of my struggles is long and painful. Since my best friends are all far from me, I have no one to talk about it or even vent out my raging emotions. I just kept it inside and when my husband and I have will have an argument, there I will burst! Thus, I end up saying bad things to hubby (which I normally regret because I don’t want to hurt him) and I felt bad about myself.

On September 1 of this year will mark our second year of being together again. We have separated for two years because of a third party. He had a child with her within those two years. Then, around late 2006, he texted me…for short we got back together. Since then, my struggles have taken the best of me. I have become suspicious and distrustful of him especially when he drinks a lot and returns home early the next morning.

Honestly, I want to trust him! I love him so much but it seems so hard to regain the trust that I have lost especially he is making it difficult for the marriage to work out by drinking hard liquor. Aaahhhh….it’s SO VERY HARD!!

Because of my struggles, I sometimes felt abandoned and unloved. I felt happiness is not for me but only for others. I felt that life has been so unfair to me. I only wanted a happy family but I have been given the most disaster-stricken one! All sorts of negativities have been bestowed on it, as if I have taken the burden of others. I wish I could be thankful right now but I couldn’t. I would be a liar if I say that. I can only feel bitterness and rage. LORD, PLEASE HELP ME!!

But, if you were to ask me a question like “If you were given a chance to undo your past, would you choose another road?” My answer (with bitter honesty) would be “NO!” I would still choose him as a husband and would still choose to have my kiddos. Even in my trying moment right now, with all the pain and the suffering, the only thing my heart and my mind recognizes is the LOVE I have for them and I think that it kept my sanity intact!


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2 Comments

  1. Naku naman…after that ‘happy post’ biglang emotional turmoil ka naman…what happened? I hope you start feeling better again. Don’t ever think na nag iisa ka…the kids, your friends [on and off line are around].

    Anyway, I just read your comment on my post on Driving. I can really go for months without going out…I mean going to the mall or making pasyal. I’m fine na nasa bahay lang. It freaked out my older [in her 60s] roommate/co-teacher sa Taiwan kasi on the weekends I would just stay in my bedroom reading. She had to call my friends to tell them na ayain akong lumabas….hahaha…

    Anyway…just stay focused. I’m sure in time you will be able to make a decision that will be good for everyone in your little family.

    Mommy J

  2. I hope everything will be alright with you and your hubby and that he will stop with his drinking vice. Stay strong, God is good. He sees you and your heart’s desire.

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