Since, I saw my friend. I asked her to accompany me to Golden Fields (a place for bar girls and more). We went there and circled the area. We found them riding a car…circling the area too as if they were looking for a “get paid to be laid” lady. They stopped and he got out the car. I told him what is this? He just told me that they were just looking for a place to drink. I said if he does continue this…I will go home for good already. Not a space but another separation. He didn’t say anything but when his friend called him, he left me and went back to the car.
Until now, he has not gone home yet. I heard from the neighbor that he slept at his friend’s house who sells illegal d.rugs and flesh for use. Well, he admitted to me that he drinks but not girls.
Just to be fair to him, I am neither a perfect mom nor a perfect wife. I have many shares of negative attitudes. I can’t cook well. I can’t organize my house well. I have my own opinions. I have my own dark mistakes. But every day, God knows that I tried. I tried to learn how to cook. I tried to organized the house even it caused my sickness, my bruises, my back pains…trying so hard to prove to him that I can do it. I also resigned from my managerial job which pays 2/3 higher than his work pay just to stay-at-home with the kids and take care of him and to make him feel that he is the man in the house (with more earnings than me). I had relationships before when we were separated for two years; I was hoping I could still love others. He had one too…that was the reason why we separated…and later had a child, then after two years, he texted me if I love him, and I said yes because I really still do. I accepted him with his past but sometimes have hurtful arguments but I tried to grow everyday with God’s help. But…he used my past to tell me that I am not worth loving anymore…or he loves me little not like before…or I am not desirable. He tortures me emotionally and degrades me with his words. He makes me feel so small, so undesirable, so ugly…he makes me feel it is useless to live.
And, as I look at my children…they ask me why their father always lies to me. Why their father does break promises? All I can say was… do not follow him. I could not explain it all. I pitied my children. I pitied myself. My blogging income was also drained by him and his words. He knows that I have money online and does not care if we don’t have money or nothing to eat. He knows I can get money and sell it cheaply at 39 pesos a dollar. He knows I can feed the children. He doesn’t borrow from others…he thinks it’s not manly to borrow for your hungered family. So, I ended up blogging myself to death, not for extra income but food to eat at our table…because if I couldn’t produce food – he would say I am not good at anything. So…you might probably think I was greedy for grabbing so many opps? No..I wasn’t…I just needed to put food at the table.
But when I tried to leave him…he would say he would be crazy without us. He would also blame me that his life would be worst because of me leaving him. But if I am here, my life is still worst and much more…very hungry…me and my children.
I am tired. I am physically sick. I lost my dignity and self worth. I want to go home. I might die young here and loss the chance to make my children’s life better.
All of us have mistakes in life, if you want to comment…please I ask you…don’t judge me. You wouldn’t really know how it is until you have lived it…felt it…so please…a little respect.