My Life as of Today

Yesterday night, I asked him sincerely that since I am going home already, I would like for him to spend some time with us and not go out and drink. He agreed. Last night, when I was doing some email sorting I become aware that he was not yet at bed. So, I went down and looked for him. I searched the cold and dark street of ours just to look for him. I couldn’t find him. One of our neighbors probably saw me and told my husband. So, he got home and told me why it was a big deal for me. I said to him, you made a promise. So, he lay down and asked for everybody to sleep since I was insisting for family company. I abandoned my pending work and slept with a broken heart near my children.Around 3:00 am, I was awakened by my Baby Boy. He wanted to pee so I guided him through our dark room. When I sent him back to sleep, I noticed that hubby was not yet in bed. Earlier, I told him, if it really means a lot that you drink… OK, just stay near. So, I went out to our neighbors’ house again and he was nowhere to be found.

Since, I saw my friend. I asked her to accompany me to Golden Fields (a place for bar girls and more). We went there and circled the area. We found them riding a car…circling the area too as if they were looking for a “get paid to be laid” lady. They stopped and he got out the car. I told him what is this? He just told me that they were just looking for a place to drink. I said if he does continue this…I will go home for good already. Not a space but another separation. He didn’t say anything but when his friend called him, he left me and went back to the car.

Until now, he has not gone home yet. I heard from the neighbor that he slept at his friend’s house who sells illegal d.rugs and flesh for use. Well, he admitted to me that he drinks but not girls.

Just to be fair to him, I am neither a perfect mom nor a perfect wife. I have many shares of negative attitudes. I can’t cook well. I can’t organize my house well. I have my own opinions. I have my own dark mistakes. But every day, God knows that I tried. I tried to learn how to cook. I tried to organized the house even it caused my sickness, my bruises, my back pains…trying so hard to prove to him that I can do it. I also resigned from my managerial job which pays 2/3 higher than his work pay just to stay-at-home with the kids and take care of him and to make him feel that he is the man in the house (with more earnings than me). I had relationships before when we were separated for two years; I was hoping I could still love others. He had one too…that was the reason why we separated…and later had a child, then after two years, he texted me if I love him, and I said yes because I really still do. I accepted him with his past but sometimes have hurtful arguments but I tried to grow everyday with God’s help. But…he used my past to tell me that I am not worth loving anymore…or he loves me little not like before…or I am not desirable. He tortures me emotionally and degrades me with his words. He makes me feel so small, so undesirable, so ugly…he makes me feel it is useless to live.

And, as I look at my children…they ask me why their father always lies to me. Why their father does break promises? All I can say was… do not follow him. I could not explain it all. I pitied my children. I pitied myself. My blogging income was also drained by him and his words. He knows that I have money online and does not care if we don’t have money or nothing to eat. He knows I can get money and sell it cheaply at 39 pesos a dollar. He knows I can feed the children. He doesn’t borrow from others…he thinks it’s not manly to borrow for your hungered family. So, I ended up blogging myself to death, not for extra income but food to eat at our table…because if I couldn’t produce food – he would say I am not good at anything. So…you might probably think I was greedy for grabbing so many opps? No..I wasn’t…I just needed to put food at the table.

But when I tried to leave him…he would say he would be crazy without us. He would also blame me that his life would be worst because of me leaving him. But if I am here, my life is still worst and much more…very hungry…me and my children.

I am tired. I am physically sick. I lost my dignity and self worth. I want to go home. I might die young here and loss the chance to make my children’s life better.

All of us have mistakes in life, if you want to comment…please I ask you…don’t judge me. You wouldn’t really know how it is until you have lived it…felt it…so please…a little respect.

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  1. Z'riz says:

    aww mommy ruby! he doesn’t deserve you at all!!

    you’re a wonderful mommy…i can feel it in the way ur kids talk to you….


    PM me if you want to talk okay?

  2. shenzee says:

    hey dont you ever blame yourself if your relationship didn’t work. it takes two to tango. ur hubby should be thankful u stood by him after all this time. u’ve taken good care of ur children and ur family. it’s bad enough that he doesn’t see ur worth, u dont have to blame urself for his attitude and his deeds.

    be strong for ur kids, and have faith that God will not abandon u.. 🙂

  3. ivorychristine-chinesegirl says:

    I understand you, I am also in the same situation you are right now. My hubby tends to spends his free to time with his friends than spending it with me. I also got this blogging / writing income to add more income to help us eat and sustain our family needs. Hubby sees me worthless. Im also hurt with his actions and words he throws at me.

    Friends at this time would make you feel better, but God would give you strength that you need to help you everyday.

    “love is bind, marriage restore sight”

  4. pinaywife says:

    hi sis.. you’re going through really rough times but don’t ever blame yourself with whatever is happening to your marriage.

    don’t lose yourself, your self esteem, you are a wonderful mom (i can see your sincerity and love and your desire to provide good things for your kids) and you had been trying to be a good wife.

    be strong and keep praying. it’s really difficult to keep a marriage when its only you doing your part..

    God bless sis. I will keep hoping and praying everything will be alright for you..

  5. Mommy Elvz says:

    I can feel your pain mommy ruby..
    just be strong for your kids, with God nothing is impossible so keep praying. I will also pray for you. Just let me know if you need someone to talk to 🙂

    Mommy Elvz

  6. Crissy says:

    oohh momi rubi! I’m so sad to hear this! don’t ever think you’re worthless. you’ve took good care of your family in your own ways and I admire you for that.

    he doesn’t deserve you and he’s not worthy of your love and care. I’m sorry if i’m too rude for him but that’s what I think of him.

    stay strong and don’t ever lose your faith in HIM. always look at the bright side despite of the pains and struggles you are going through.

    Tira-tira! c”,)

  7. desperateblogger says:

    i have only two questions for you. first: have you done your best to save your marriage?

    second: are you children your main concern now?

    answer these truthfully and you’ll know what to do.

    ruby, my heart really bleeds for you. i know how you feel. i might have been in a situation but not exactly like yours.

    follow your heart but use your head too. pray for guidance. your decision to have a respite from the relationship is well and good. you need it for your sanity.

    your children needs you so you should stay strong. go home to your parents where you can have some peace of mind.

    decide on the what to do later on. for the meantime i wish you well and will be praying for you.

  8. Mummy Sheng says:

    i think leaving him is a very good idea. good to know that you are aware of the things he do and not justify it because of love, like some women do. you deserve someone a lot lot better than him, mummy ruby! please don’t waste yours and your children’s lives hanging around for nothing. they deserve a much better and peaceful life. they are aware now of what’s happening in your household. please do and take that pain away from them as early as now.

    be strong. many cares and a lot will pray for you. god will always be there to guide and give you strength to go on.

    take care!

  9. Me, the islands and the world says:

    Wow..I pray for your peace of mind. I truly believe that marriage is a work-in-progress and if the other party would not want to work it out, it is already an undertaking in futility. God bless and stay strong.

  10. Bernadeth says:

    Hi Ruby,
    Your a very strong woman. and I salute you for all your sacrifices for your kids. I bet you still love your husband besides what he is doing. sometimes life is unfair. One thing for sure mommy Ruby, God will help you. He never leaves you nor forsake you. he knows what your going through and he will reward you.We cannot change our husband and promises are always made to be broken. what you can do is to pray for him. that God will touch his heart for a change.I hope you stood firm because of your kids.

  11. maiylah says:

    … and i agree with both shenzee and z’riz. 🙂
    the Lord will never give us problems we can’t handle. stay strong and never lose hope.
    God bless

  12. Mhigz says:

    hello mommy, i think my mind is still young to understand your situation, but one thing is i know and that is NEVER EVER GIVE UP! i am once a hopeless kid, i always use to say to my self that theres nothing i can do, im useless, im pain in the butt, etc. and thats not true no one is worth nothing, even if some one say so. Just think positive and belive in your self, and most important is always have faith in God. >:D<

  13. repah says:

    hi pinay mommy.. lam mo hbang binabasa ko to.. parang nkita ko syo ang mudang ko.. ganyan kc c papa nung nabubuhay pa.. kya nga hanggang ngyun my insomia si mama.. dahil sa kakapuyat kakahanap kung san naman lupalop nagtungo ang aking padir dir.. ang hirap tlgang maging mommy at wife.. dbale mommy i will pray for you.. na bwsan ni lord ang mga problema mo.. basta be strong… take care of urself alwys..

  14. Paula says:

    Don’t worry mommy Ruby, I am sure the people out there will sympathize with you rather than judge you. Just pray and ask for the Lord’s guidance, he will surely give you the strength that you need. I will pray for you and your children. Goodluck and Godbless.

  15. alf says:

    hi, i think you already did or doing your part. lets just hope and pray that he change and think how important a family is. be strong.

  16. Maybel Mateo says:

    Hi Ruby… I would say if he doesn’t try to work things out with you, leave him and don’t look back. Do not let him ruin every being of your soul. In only a short version of what is going on I can see he doesn’t respect you. I know it sounds easier said than done but emotional abuse will hurt you and your children. Only you will know for sure. Just make sure that you and your kids are safe first. Any kind of abuse…verbally, emotionally…you and your children don’t deserve…. Take care.

  17. Pinay Jade says:

    Hi Ruby I agree with the first comment. You deserve better.

    I know it is a very difficult time for you…my father had also problems when he was alive. He didn’t drink but was very much addicted to gambling. I would sometimes accompany my mom to find him if he’s not home yet.
    And guess what,he’s at the mahjong
    place.My mom finally left him, and that made him realize that he cannot live without us. I told my mom,let him prove to you first that he deserves a second chance.He then worked hard to win us back. It was a wake up call for him.

    I know from the that posts that I’ve read from you that you are a great person. Don’t forget that.
    I hope you take the right decision.
    Think about yourself and your kids.

  18. Mommy Ruby says:

    hello all dear blogger friends,

    i really do appreciate all your comments. i have been reading it again and again. i can feel all your concerns…it speaks right through your words.

    as of now, i have bought a ticket for me and my kids from the borrowed money i got from my father. we will be leaving this june 3 and we will be leaving with hopeful hearts that someday…he will realize how we means to him or if he doesn’t realize…well, a hope that we will have a good and happy life back in cagayan de oro.

    thank you all. especially for your prayers of strength and guidance.



  19. Purpled Sky says:

    mommy ruby, i wish i could come over and offer you my hug. but please, don’t ever blame yourself for what he becomes. he had the choice, we always do.

    darn, if i were in your situation, i’d surely be gone by now. get my kids and live somewhere else. somebody better surely deserves me. but then again, this is me, i don’t have your kind of patience. sigh.


  20. Nelle says:

    Hey there.. So it’s final that you guys are leaving already. Take care..

    and for the post, I have told you nth time already that you are a good person. Not because your perfect and all but you accepted what you have done and work for things to be better. You’ve made choices for your family that not all people could actually do just to play with fate to be better. But you did just that. I do not have a family of my own yet but I can see how you love them. I guess your husband is just too guilty to accept all of it at this time and his manly ego is taking over him. I just wish that this space would let him realize for good how his family really worth for him and his life, and so as his wife. DOn’t give up on believing that life could always be better. You still have 2 wonderful kids to be enough reason to live and enjoy life. take care

  21. Pinay WAHM says:

    18 messages of love and support and counting….find strength in all these people who go out of their way to assure you that everything will be ok…

    Will send you a message a bit later.

    Still here,

    Mommy J

  22. sasha says:

    That’s a trial, mommy ruby. I am sure that God will guide you through all these things happening to you right now.

    Let me give you a warm hug. God bless you and your kids!

  23. charm says:

    hi mommy…like what I have said to you…go on live your life…you have better future than it for your children and your dignity…God bless you…

  24. Lalaine says:

    we’ll be praying with you rubs…take care!

  25. A Simple Life says:

    hi mommy ruby! we all have our crosses and God make things happen for a reason. i’m praying for you and your kids, kaya mo yan sister.

    i know you are a good mommy to your kids, sila na lang muna ang pagka-abalahan mo. tama nga, take a vacation. you need a break from all these and you need a break from working too hard.

    actually i came here to deliver a tag and i’m really sorry to hear about this. i hope this will be over soon. God Bless.

  26. Cielo says:

    hi mom ruby,

    my heart goes to you, you truly deserve the best, i think it’s about time you love yourself more, because you have already given that much and that much was not reciprocated by him.

    good luck in your new journey with your kids, you are so forgiving that until this time you are still hopeful of him.

    GO GIRL, pick up the broken pieces…AJAAAAAAAA!!!!

    my 2 best buddies in the office read your entry. you both share the same sentiments but different circumstances, expect them to leave a note here.Right now, they are both experiencing a different level of happiness coz they have found themselves

  27. pining says:

    Hi Ruby,
    I think you’re a brave and strong woman , and I feel that you ‘ll get through this and whatever you decide to do in the future.

  28. Crissy says:

    good luck momi ruby!

  29. Mummy Sheng says:

    in times of trials, one of the things you can hold on to is faith. don’t lose that and keep on believing.

    you’ve got your kids to draw strength from. god will always be there for you.

    take care!

  30. RoseLLe says:

    *hug* i will be praying for you. take care.

  31. Wendy Lopez-Redaon says:

    hi mommy ruby,

    really appreciate your honesty and for pouring out your heart. I dont know you very well but based on what I read, it seems to me that you are in an abusive relationship with this guy. He has made you feel inferior and that is not right. You are a smart, beautiful and resuorceful woman. I dont think you deserve this. I honestly think you should leave him permanently. But whatever you decide on doing, its up to you.I will be praying for you mommy ruby. Hold on to the Lord and He will guide, strengthen and comfort you.

  32. Jo Ann says:

    mommy ruby, please don’t give up just yet on your marriage. but yes, i agree you need to be away from your husband temporarily. my husband and i went through a lot of marital problems as well. i thought our marriage was beyond repair. we attended a marriage encounter and after that, we had our journey to recovery and healing. we also know couples who really had terrible problems. but are now doing great. please keep the faith. i am sending hugs your way… i will be praying for you.

  33. Pinay Jade says:

    Hi Mommy Ruby,
    Good luck and I wish you and you kids the best with your new beginning. I think you made the right decision to leave ans start anew.

    If he wants you,let him come to you and beg,when he’s
    mature enough to be a man.

    Let him prove the he deserves you.
    Take good care of yourself.

    I am praying for you guys to have a safe journey and a pleasant new beginning.

  34. -K- says:

    Just have to say that you’re making a very wise decision, believe me. Never understood why mom stayed w/ our father from way back and it didn’t do us kids any good coz we ended growing up with hatred towards our father. Your kids are better off not seeing you two living together like that.

    I am not saying it’s never gonna work coz my parents were able to patch things up, but you do need to go away for a while not just because you deserve it but also because it would probably be one of the best things you can do for your kids.

    I only have admiration for women like you. And please don’t change your mind, your husband has to realize that he can’t go on living with the convenience of having the best of both worlds. Just hope that your decision could also help him change his ways.

    God bless you.

  35. twinks says:

    Hi sis Ruby,
    Oh my, As a mother and as a wife – I feel your pain. Be strong and don’t ever lose your self-esteem and self-confidence. I know you’re a survivor – especially for your kids. You deserve more than what you’re experiencing right now. Keep faith in your heart and always follow what’s right. God is always there.
    My prayers are with you -especially to your kids.
    I hug for you. mwahugs!

  36. Hailey's Beats and Bits says:

    hi mommy rubs. take a break cause you so deserve it.
    then P.U.S.H.

    hang on..

  37. desperateblogger says:

    the best psychiatrists and therapists do not tell their patients what to do. even school counselors or guidance counselors do not tell their wards what to do.

    these professionals merely pave the way for their patients/wards to assess and confront their fears; deliberate on the pros and cons; and finally decide on what to do.

    ruby, we are here to support you. the ultimate decision is yours.

  38. solidcash says:

    hi mommy, you really need a can easily overcome what happened and I know you can do it. take care and God bless you and the kids

  39. mon says:

    Sorry Mommy Ruby,Just read your post.You deserve someone better.God helps those who help themselves.God is Great.You are intelligent young woman and you must only used your head before your heart.The signs are showing that he doesn’t love but only want to used you.My prayers will be for your and your children.

  40. Ebie says:

    Good luck and be strong! I have been reading your blogs.

    Z’riz’ Mom

  41. Shiela says:

    Good luck. Decide what’s the best for you. I’m sure He will guide you.

    You will be included in my prayers.

  42. juliana says:

    hi! ruby. so sorry to hear this. but you know what? there are times when we have to stand up for ourselves and our children. you’re definitely in the right direction.

    cling on to HIM, HE knows what’s best for you and your children. whatever decision you make, trust that HE is there guiding you in every way.

    take care!

  43. Salamat says:

    Oh wow! I can’t help but be moved with tears…
    Still, life is beautiful, girl! You deserve better than that. Of course, it’s always hard to shift gear but it’s for your best & for the kids. You’re so smart enough to realize that it’s been dragging you down. Yes, no turning back! Just pick up the pieces again and someday, wounds will be healed and you are right, you made the RIGHT decision, for you and for your kids. There’s still so much that life has to offer! Life is good! Don’t waste it:) God bless you!

  44. Noemi "Mica" Watson says:

    hi ruby…You are wonderful in the sight of the Lord. He is not worth enough to love… May the Lord bless your heart.

  45. - G - says:

    HI Ruby! I started my blog because I was having problems with my marriage too – but, we’re okay now… And I think you made the BEST decision to move out and best to move on. You’re a good person and he’s not worthy of you. But you’re children are.

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