A few weeks ago, I confessed that I am an introvert. I only talk and open up with people whom I feel comfortable with. And most of the time, during social occasions, I have the struggle mingling with other people. Especially now that attending events have become a regular thing for me. I felt socially awkward. I think people are intimidated by my resting bitch face. People might think I am “galit sa mundo” (angry at the world) that they became wary of me.
What Are My Struggles?
Anyway, I am not here to talk about my struggles of being an introvert. This post is about my life as a single mom with three kids. I know… I know… one blog post is not enough to talk about it, but I will try to brief as possible. To be exact, I wanna talk about the inner struggles that go inside my mind.
Going to talk about this first. Most people I know are curious about what it feels like being me against the world. So let’s start with this. Yes, I confess that being alone makes me lonely at times. There are moments especially when I watch romantic-comedies that I miss having someone to talk and hold (blame those Korean dramas!). Someone to tell me that everything will be OK and that things will get better with time. Well, I have my friends who do that but you know… iba pa din ang feeling (the feeling is different) if you have a special someone.
But the struggle is not too much in here. After taking a momentary trip to cloud nine with all the giggles I get from watching romantic-comedies, reality will always pay me a visit. I get reminded how life was when I was still engaged in a relationship. I am reminded of the emotional turmoil I went through. Then, I immediate shake my head and say… “No, thank you!”
No, thank you! I have my imaginary Korean boyfriend already! Kang Dong Won Oppa!
This one is a struggle that’s hard to get by. My children’s needs are growing. My eldest will enter college next year. Though my two youngest are homeschooling (where I saved a lot), there are still obligations that I need to fulfill… food, bills, clothing, and some other things that I want to provide for my children. These include our own house, good books, travel, and savings for the future.
Our dream house is a “bahay kubo” or a modern house in the middle of our farm complete with farm animals and all.
My salary is not that big, but I am so thankful that our needs are met. I am thankful for my job online to whom I have a very considerate employer and a flexible time to work around. My struggle is mostly on providing the things I want for them. I think almost all parents would want to give their children something better. Then enters love life… if only I have someone to help me raise the kids, it would have been better. But still, at the end of the day, I immediate shake my head and say… “No, thank you!”
Raising three kids with huge age gaps is hard. They have different personalities and interests. Though they have common interests when it comes to the internet and gadgets, they have different wants and needs. They also want individual attention.
My struggle is real when it comes to solo parenting. I stand both as a mother and father to all three kids. As much as I want to divide myself into three, there can only be one! This is where I feel the most pain. I sometimes think that I am a total failure. I battle with the thought of not having raised my children well. I cry myself to self-pity. Poor me.
How I Live Each Day?
You might be asking. How do I get by in life? How do I face my struggles? My everyday demons? Well, the only answer to all these questions, cliche it may seem, but it is all because of the grace of God. To Him, I give all the honor and glory for all the things I’ve been through. It was not easy, but thank God that I survive.
On Love Life.
My current love life is only my personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I tell Him my struggles of wanting to have someone to hold me at night, but I also tell Him that if that person will still be a source of problem and chaos, I don’t mind being alone. That is when I ask for strength and I comfort myself with His love.
We love, because He first loved us. (1 John 4:19, NASB)
For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. (John 3:16, NASB)
On Financial Aspect.
One of the thing that got me through my every financial problem is the promise that God would provide my needs. The Bible didn’t promise that all my wants will be given, but only those that I need. So with that, I trust God that He will provide.
And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19, NASB)
As human as I am, I sometimes worry, but God always reminds me that worry doesn’t help. Worrying will do you no good. Matthew 6:25-34 is a good read when you start worrying about things. Not only with finances but among many other things.
So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34, NASB)
As for my wants, simple, I ask for things and I pray for wisdom, knowledge, and guidance on how to work on the things I want to achieve. I ask God for things that I want, but still, trusts Him that He knows what’s best for me better than I do.
And all things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive. (Matthew 21:22, NASB)
My favorite mantra, “Jehovah Jireh. God will supply my needs!”
On Parenting Struggles.
With this, I always ask God for a lot of things. I ask patience because sometimes my kids are way beyond my patience. I ask for wisdom on how I can raise them up into a kind, responsible, and God-fearing citizens of the world. I ask for a big heart so I can love them equally. And I pray for them individually.
We can be the best parent in the world, but it takes a village to raise one. Our children will grow as a result of all the external influences they get. It takes faith and a lot of prayers, that they’ll grow properly as you hope for. And that raising and hoping doesn’t end until your last breath.
To sum it all, I have a lot of struggles. It’s very hard for me. I even lash-out when I am angry with my children at times. I cry myself to sleep. I doubt myself many times. There are days I want to give up. And there are days, I wish for other things. But at the end of the day, God is always there to remind me that I am not alone. He is there and that I just need to call Him. He also sent me friends to listen to me when I needed someone to hear my ordeals. I have survived not because I am a strong woman as most people perceived me. No, this single mom is not strong. Just like what Gary Valenciano said in his song… “deep inside this armor, the warrior is a child.”
Let me close this post with this song… one of the many theme songs of my life – “Warrior is a Child.”