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After all that happened to us and this never ending emotional pain and abuse, I started to wonder what I will do to stop this. I really do love him but doing so makes me hurt even more. Sometimes I wished that one day I will wake up and totally forget how I love him. That thought made me felt very scared.
What if because of too much pain I will be able to forget what true love is? What if because of his emotional abuse I will end up so bitter that I could never show love again? Oh God, please don’t let it happen!
Going on…I just hope and pray that he will remember us. He hasn’t sent support since we arrived here. He hasn’t helped paying the bills and even enrolling his [legal] kids to school. I am both the mother and the father right now and it’s very hard. I remembered the time when he left us for another girl around 3 years ago. He left me penniless and with so many credit to pay. It seems to me that what is happening right now is much worse than before (with much more bigger credit to pay!!).
Oh well, if I was able to survive before, I think I can still do now with God’s help and of course my blog’s income. I am earning above the basic pay for provinces with my blog’s income. Hopefully, I am praying to earn more so that I can pay the credit card bills. Yesterday, I was able to withdraw 7,300 pesos from my blogging income. I paid 6,500 pesos for my credit card bills, gave my father 500 (200 came from my previous funds, birthday gift) and bought grilled chicken and pork (a small treat to my children and the technician who reformatted my PC).
Good thing, I am so blessed with my children. They don’t clamor for good food all the time. They eat noodles, fish and even dried fish. Though sometimes I want to provide more for them, the only thing I can do for now is blog to pay-off the bills and provide the basic needs. I also make sure I do buy vitamins to compensate the nutritional requirements their body needs.
Why I am always online? Well, I guess that explains everything. This is the only way I can provide for my children without leaving them home. I want to be with them always and make them feel that I will never abandon them for others. Anyway, I am planning to save for a small sari-sari store to help augment our family’s income. I am planning to go back into participating with cooperative banks to help me gain additional capital. Aside from that, I also plan to help mothers tutor their preschool children for a small pay. Basically, do every legal thing just to provide for my kids, stay with my kids and pay the bills.
You know what…I always said to myself, financial struggles can be solved in due time but emotional problems has an indefinite time frame when it will stop. But what if you have both?? The answer is simple…pray to God that you will stay “SANE” so that you dont’ do anything stupid that would make things more badly and also for more strength to endure life’s storm. And ohh…don’t forget to count your blessings. It will always remind you that there will be a rainbow after the rain. It keeps your hopes up!!
Hahaha…I have many issues discussed in one post. Anyway, thanks for reading my musings.
PS. It’s my blog. It’s my life. Let’s just respect it…OK? Thanks!